Cool New Identities To Assume After You Accidentally Friend His Ex-Girlfriend / by Christina Careaga

After stalking your boyfriend’s ex’s Facebook for the fourth time, you accidentally friend requested her. Wow, you really fucking did it. There is no chance of ever coming back from this one, so it’s obviously time to leave this trash-ass life behind and assume a completely new identity. Here are some really cool new identities that are totally up for grabs now that you’ve fucking ruined everything. 

Emily Gerber
Get a hold of that Gerber baby fortune! With the name Emily Gerber, you can become a certified trust-fund kid with a hot husband, financial stability, and terrible long-term memory. You keep forgetting the code to disarm the Sloman Shield in your mansion, and have subsequently been arrested for trespassing 11 times. But all of this is still better than Jonah’s new girlfriend seeing your friend request after that seriously embarrassing breakup. He’s a lot happier now!

Senator Jeffries
No, you are not a Senator. Senator is your first name. Get used to that confusion, which will cover up any confusion of why you just showed up out of nowhere. Senator Jeffries is a saleswoman at Brookstone and has absolutely no interest in politics, but insists she has an “in” with Paul Ryan if anyone ever wants to meet him. You’ll still never be as compatible as your ex and his new girlfriend, who loves rock climbing and owns her own home.

Tiffany Finkle
Tiffany Finkle is in second grade, but hey, being a kid is still better than being a person who Facebook friended your boyfriend’s ex. Tiffany is a precocious second grader with a penchant for bullying the weak. She isn’t well liked, but she is at the beginning a promising field hockey career.

Angelica Moist
Don’t like this name? Maybe you shouldn’t have been so reckless on Facebook. As Angelica, you are a grad student at Boston University getting your Master’s in Journalism. Unfortunately, after a near-death experience in a Smart Car, you realized you really want to be a pediatrician, and are now trying to figure that out considering you’ve blown 100% of your funds on this MS. You’re too far along in the program to drop out, but know that you will never use your degree once you’ve earned it.

Tilda Fontaine
You are the only other Tilda in the world, so your new thing is that you feel a rivalry with “Other Tilda” Swinton. This Tilda is a painter in Portland, Oregon. Your art is abstract and doesn’t get much attention because, in your opinion, it is “too liberal for this bumblefuck town.” You have a fiery sense of self and also hopeless IBS, which, again, is still better than this waste of a life that you’ve ruined with a single click. 

Lady Winifred of Timonia
Lady Winifred is the first cousin of Queen Carla of Timonia, a private community in New Mexico composed of 90 ambitious colonists. No one will track you down here! Lady Winifred lives in the Hay Castle with her pet tortoise. There’s no Facebook here, thank god. 

Sure, starting a whole new life is daunting, but it’s not nearly as bad as having to confront your stray Facebook friend request. Enjoy your new life and remember, when stalking, watch your fucking fingers!