(Originally appeared in Children Of The Matrix Newsletter)
We all remember July of 2013 when TMZ released a video of America’s problem child, Justin Bieber, pissing in a restaurant mop bucket beneath a club in NYC .
But something very curious happens at the end of the video – something very telling. Something that could SHAKE THIS NATION TO ITS VERY CORE.
“Fuck Bill Clinton.”
Why would Justin do this? It doesn’t seem to make sense. Why would Justin throw shade at a presidency he can barely remember? Why would Justin - a CANADIAN - throw shade at an American president at all?
BECAUSE BILL CLINTON IS JUSTIN BIEBER’S BIOLOGICAL FATHER.
Let’s look at the facts:
First, we’ll address the obvious - Big Billie’s fidelity record isn’t exactly clean. From actresses to politicians, PLENTY of women claim to have had extramarital affairs will the former President.
We know Bill Clinton has an affinity for younger women. Monica Lewinsky was only 22-years-old during the Monicagate scandal that lead to his impeachment. Attraction to “type” is a natural phenomenon that I think we all wish we could combat – I would love to stop dating woodland creatures BUT I LITERALLY CANNOT.
Let’s take a look at both women circa 1995:
There are some very obvious similarities between Monica and Pattie at the time of the time of the scandals: age proximity, brown hair, dark features. If you told me these two were sisters, I would believe it.
For further proof of this type, here’s Slick Willie in 2014:
The man loves brunettes.
Okay that’s out of the way. Now, let’s go further.
Bill Clinton was sworn into his first presidential term on January 20, 1993. Justin Bieber is 21 years-old, born on March 1, 1994. As math serves us, the Biebs had to have been conceived around June of 1993. What was Big Willy up to in the White House around this time?
Ever heard of the Persian Gulf attacks? On June 26, 1993, Bill Clinton ordered U.S. warships - stationed in the Persian Gulf and in the Red Sea- to launch Tomahawk cruise missiles against the headquarters of the Iraqi Intelligence Service in Baghdad to damage the terrorist infrastructure of the Iraqi regime, reduce its ability to promote terrorism, and deter further acts of aggression against the United States. Remember that day? We ALL remember that day. I was two and I remember that day.
How is this relevant? Let’s ask our friend, Science.
Hey, Science – I have a question for you. When are men most likely to cheat? When they’re feeling powerful? OH.
In a 2010 survey of 1,561 professionals, Tilburg University researchers found that the more power people had, the more likely they were to cheat.
So maybe, say, when a brand new Commander in Chief orders his first anti-terrorist missile strike? PROBABLY THE MOST POWERFUL THE MAN HAS EVER FELT. The Tilburg study found that elevated power is positively associated with infidelity because power increases confidence in the ability to attract partners – would there EVER be a better time for Slick Willie to see if he could get with a hot, young Pattie Mallette than this VERY SPECIFIC point in time?
June 1993- the beginning of Summer – sex in the air – and a fucking missile attack? Let’s just call this a RECIPE FOR THE BIEBS.
You may be thinking to yourself, “But Christina, so far, all this [extremely convincing and 100% sound] evidence is speculative,” and you’re not wrong. I respect your inclination to QUESTION EVERYTHING.
Let’s get down to some hard-core genetics.
In 1992, then-Arkansas governor Bill Clinton CHANGED THE CAMPAIGN GAME FOREVER by tearing up a jazzy saxophone solo during Heartbreak Hotel on Arsenio Hall’s self-titled show. In case you need a reminder:
Clinton is no joke on the horn. The Big Dog had an early propensity for music - taking up the sax at age 9, leading his high school jazz trio “The Three Kings,” practicing “12 hours a day until his lips bled,” and straight up going to band camp.
Musical interest and ability both have strong genetic bases. In a 2008 study of 15 musical Finnish families, musical aptitude was found to have a 48% heritability rate. Beyond that, a Swedish study concluded that 50% of the determination of an individual’s musicality is the result of genes – the practice of practice itself appears to be under genetic control.
You know who else started dedicating themselves to music at a young age?
This. Mother. Fucker.
The Biebs grew up playing the piano, drums, guitar, and trumpet, and whether you like his music or not, Biebybaby has skills. THIS SHIT IS IN HIS GENES!
I know what you’re thinking: “Say no more, Christina. I am completely sold and have already emailed my mom about this.” Close your gmail because it’s time.
You’re ready. Let’s blow the lid off this thing.
Here are Pattie Mallette and Bill Clinton’s faces morphed together with top of the line merging technology, morphthing.com:
TRY TO TELL ME THAT DOES NOT LOOK LIKE:
Here are Pattie and Bill’s pictures morphed to make a baby boy:
TELL ME IT DOESN’T LOOK THE SAME AS:
THAT IS THE SAME GODDAMNED BABY. THE EVIDENCE IS UNDENIABLE! THE BIEBS IS A CLINTON.
THE ENTIRE CLINTON FAMILY 2016!
HILL, BILL, AND J[UST]ILL 2016!!!!!!!!!!!!!