Don't shame me for not dressing up for Halloween.
I get it, you love thinking up your costume. You spend time sifting through the hundreds of ideas that you've been quietly collecting in a Google Doc all year.
You take notes on cultural events, viral stars and barely-noticeable television characters, meticulously deciding which is ripe for the perfect Halloween pun or unexpected appearance.
I love that, but I have never for a second felt that way.
Don't shame me.
I have things going on.
I'm not saying that you don't, I'm just saying that I do. Between work, a social life and genuinely trying to keep up with the Kardashians, I am way too tired at the end of the day to think about a costume.
I'm not saying you're not tired at the end of the day, I'm just saying that I am. I applaud your youthful spirit as I lay down and pray to survive the terrifying crash from my fourth coffee.
We cannot let Halloween divide us.
I love that you've spent days constructing 'Ken Bone, the living trombone', but at the end of the day, I just want to uninterruptedly stare at my phone, fantasize about what I would do with sudden fame and have my food delivered at least a lukewarm temperature.
Don't shame me.
No, I don't think I'm too cool for Halloween. I think it's very cool that you're into Halloween. Your punny costumes and impressive makeup aren't lost on me. I will enthusiastically 'like' your pictures and tell my coworkers about your costumes, but I will gleefully lock myself in my apartment for two days before I spend an hour conscientiously gluing rhinestones to my face.
Don't shame me.
Of course I've thought about dressing up; it's a thing that's crossed my mind. I've often been inspired by the handiwork of others to think, "I'm really going try next year." But then, life goes on. I discover a new meme account, and completely forget about Halloween until Oct. 25.
I'm not saying your life doesn't go on, I'm just saying that mine does. My attention span is short, and it's hard to remember in which iPhone note I wrote my amazing costume idea (Kim Possible) from February when every single one is titled: "THINGS TO TELL DOCTOR."
Don't shame me.
We are all entitled to different opinions and ideas. Isn't that diversity what makes us great? You say tomato, I say to-mah-to. You like salad, I like gluten-free pizza with meatless sausage. You think Drake is the voice of our generation, and I think if I just had a little bit of guidance I could really make a fire mixtape.
We are all stardust.
I don't like dressing up. Wearing a costume might be my least favorite thing in the world besides child neglect and my high school guidance counselor, Ms. Nagy (editor: please don't take this out I want her to know). Wearing a costume makes me feel uncomfortable.
What's worse: everyone has an excuse to talk to you. You are a walking conversation starter. The last thing I need is a reason for that guy I accidentally matched on Tinder to approach me.
I'm not saying you're looking for attention, I'm just saying that I'm not.
In fact, I love your attention! I think it's great to be proud of your costume - you spent time and effort on that thing! Work deserves credit, and I'm happy you're getting the notoriety you earned.
I hope you win your office costume party. I hope your picture gets 200 likes. I hope you made every single one of your exes wish they had you back.
I'd just rather scroll through Twitter.
Don't shame me.
(Originally appeared in Children Of The Matrix Newsletter)
We all remember July of 2013 when TMZ released a video of America’s problem child, Justin Bieber, pissing in a restaurant mop bucket beneath a club in NYC .
But something very curious happens at the end of the video – something very telling. Something that could SHAKE THIS NATION TO ITS VERY CORE.
“Fuck Bill Clinton.”
Why would Justin do this? It doesn’t seem to make sense. Why would Justin throw shade at a presidency he can barely remember? Why would Justin - a CANADIAN - throw shade at an American president at all?
BECAUSE BILL CLINTON IS JUSTIN BIEBER’S BIOLOGICAL FATHER.
Let’s look at the facts:
First, we’ll address the obvious - Big Billie’s fidelity record isn’t exactly clean. From actresses to politicians, PLENTY of women claim to have had extramarital affairs will the former President.
We know Bill Clinton has an affinity for younger women. Monica Lewinsky was only 22-years-old during the Monicagate scandal that lead to his impeachment. Attraction to “type” is a natural phenomenon that I think we all wish we could combat – I would love to stop dating woodland creatures BUT I LITERALLY CANNOT.
Let’s take a look at both women circa 1995:
There are some very obvious similarities between Monica and Pattie at the time of the time of the scandals: age proximity, brown hair, dark features. If you told me these two were sisters, I would believe it.
For further proof of this type, here’s Slick Willie in 2014:
The man loves brunettes.
Okay that’s out of the way. Now, let’s go further.
Bill Clinton was sworn into his first presidential term on January 20, 1993. Justin Bieber is 21 years-old, born on March 1, 1994. As math serves us, the Biebs had to have been conceived around June of 1993. What was Big Willy up to in the White House around this time?
Ever heard of the Persian Gulf attacks? On June 26, 1993, Bill Clinton ordered U.S. warships - stationed in the Persian Gulf and in the Red Sea- to launch Tomahawk cruise missiles against the headquarters of the Iraqi Intelligence Service in Baghdad to damage the terrorist infrastructure of the Iraqi regime, reduce its ability to promote terrorism, and deter further acts of aggression against the United States. Remember that day? We ALL remember that day. I was two and I remember that day.
How is this relevant? Let’s ask our friend, Science.
Hey, Science – I have a question for you. When are men most likely to cheat? When they’re feeling powerful? OH.
In a 2010 survey of 1,561 professionals, Tilburg University researchers found that the more power people had, the more likely they were to cheat.
So maybe, say, when a brand new Commander in Chief orders his first anti-terrorist missile strike? PROBABLY THE MOST POWERFUL THE MAN HAS EVER FELT. The Tilburg study found that elevated power is positively associated with infidelity because power increases confidence in the ability to attract partners – would there EVER be a better time for Slick Willie to see if he could get with a hot, young Pattie Mallette than this VERY SPECIFIC point in time?
June 1993- the beginning of Summer – sex in the air – and a fucking missile attack? Let’s just call this a RECIPE FOR THE BIEBS.
You may be thinking to yourself, “But Christina, so far, all this [extremely convincing and 100% sound] evidence is speculative,” and you’re not wrong. I respect your inclination to QUESTION EVERYTHING.
Let’s get down to some hard-core genetics.
In 1992, then-Arkansas governor Bill Clinton CHANGED THE CAMPAIGN GAME FOREVER by tearing up a jazzy saxophone solo during Heartbreak Hotel on Arsenio Hall’s self-titled show. In case you need a reminder:
Clinton is no joke on the horn. The Big Dog had an early propensity for music - taking up the sax at age 9, leading his high school jazz trio “The Three Kings,” practicing “12 hours a day until his lips bled,” and straight up going to band camp.
Musical interest and ability both have strong genetic bases. In a 2008 study of 15 musical Finnish families, musical aptitude was found to have a 48% heritability rate. Beyond that, a Swedish study concluded that 50% of the determination of an individual’s musicality is the result of genes – the practice of practice itself appears to be under genetic control.
You know who else started dedicating themselves to music at a young age?
This. Mother. Fucker.
The Biebs grew up playing the piano, drums, guitar, and trumpet, and whether you like his music or not, Biebybaby has skills. THIS SHIT IS IN HIS GENES!
I know what you’re thinking: “Say no more, Christina. I am completely sold and have already emailed my mom about this.” Close your gmail because it’s time.
You’re ready. Let’s blow the lid off this thing.
Here are Pattie Mallette and Bill Clinton’s faces morphed together with top of the line merging technology, morphthing.com:
TRY TO TELL ME THAT DOES NOT LOOK LIKE:
Here are Pattie and Bill’s pictures morphed to make a baby boy:
TELL ME IT DOESN’T LOOK THE SAME AS:
THAT IS THE SAME GODDAMNED BABY. THE EVIDENCE IS UNDENIABLE! THE BIEBS IS A CLINTON.
THE ENTIRE CLINTON FAMILY 2016!
HILL, BILL, AND J[UST]ILL 2016!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After stalking your boyfriend’s ex’s Facebook for the fourth time, you accidentally friend requested her. Wow, you really fucking did it. There is no chance of ever coming back from this one, so it’s obviously time to leave this trash-ass life behind and assume a completely new identity. Here are some really cool new identities that are totally up for grabs now that you’ve fucking ruined everything.
Get a hold of that Gerber baby fortune! With the name Emily Gerber, you can become a certified trust-fund kid with a hot husband, financial stability, and terrible long-term memory. You keep forgetting the code to disarm the Sloman Shield in your mansion, and have subsequently been arrested for trespassing 11 times. But all of this is still better than Jonah’s new girlfriend seeing your friend request after that seriously embarrassing breakup. He’s a lot happier now!
No, you are not a Senator. Senator is your first name. Get used to that confusion, which will cover up any confusion of why you just showed up out of nowhere. Senator Jeffries is a saleswoman at Brookstone and has absolutely no interest in politics, but insists she has an “in” with Paul Ryan if anyone ever wants to meet him. You’ll still never be as compatible as your ex and his new girlfriend, who loves rock climbing and owns her own home.
Tiffany Finkle is in second grade, but hey, being a kid is still better than being a person who Facebook friended your boyfriend’s ex. Tiffany is a precocious second grader with a penchant for bullying the weak. She isn’t well liked, but she is at the beginning a promising field hockey career.
Don’t like this name? Maybe you shouldn’t have been so reckless on Facebook. As Angelica, you are a grad student at Boston University getting your Master’s in Journalism. Unfortunately, after a near-death experience in a Smart Car, you realized you really want to be a pediatrician, and are now trying to figure that out considering you’ve blown 100% of your funds on this MS. You’re too far along in the program to drop out, but know that you will never use your degree once you’ve earned it.
You are the only other Tilda in the world, so your new thing is that you feel a rivalry with “Other Tilda” Swinton. This Tilda is a painter in Portland, Oregon. Your art is abstract and doesn’t get much attention because, in your opinion, it is “too liberal for this bumblefuck town.” You have a fiery sense of self and also hopeless IBS, which, again, is still better than this waste of a life that you’ve ruined with a single click.
Lady Winifred of Timonia
Lady Winifred is the first cousin of Queen Carla of Timonia, a private community in New Mexico composed of 90 ambitious colonists. No one will track you down here! Lady Winifred lives in the Hay Castle with her pet tortoise. There’s no Facebook here, thank god.
Sure, starting a whole new life is daunting, but it’s not nearly as bad as having to confront your stray Facebook friend request. Enjoy your new life and remember, when stalking, watch your fucking fingers!
So you’re finally on a first date that’s going well when it hits you—you’re fucking wasted. And you gotta get out of there before you do something disastrous. Don’t panic! Here are ten foolproof ways leave the date while leaving him wanting more.
1. Emergency Text
Too scared to leave without explanation? Use an old classic and show him you’re dependable with a friend-in-crisis text. Explain that you have to rescue a friend, quickly flashing your phone screen to him so you know you just heard from her. Make sure it’s your texting screen, though, and not the Seamless receipt of the pizza you just ordered to his house.
2. Work Email
Oh no! You just got an email from your boss with a totally pressing deadline. Or at least that’s what he’ll think when you tell him. Sure, it’s insane that you’d have a boss who expects you to answer promptly at 10:14 pm on a Friday night, but that is your job and literal livelihood. Sorry for being so hardworking and professional, but it is time to go. Immediately, before you throw up in his beer.
3. Twist Your Ankle
Guys love clumsy girls, right? Let your drunkenness work for you here, and stage a cute fall, twisting your ankle on the way down. “Ow! I’m adorable and not shitfaced!”
4. Fake Sick
Here’s one that requires fewer acting skills: Tell your date you’re suddenly feeling nauseous because you’re way too turned on by him right now. You need to go lay down and think ONLY about him and you’ll pick this up again when you’re feeling a little better—and for the love of god, keep your shoes on until you’re out of the bar.
Uh oh, you totally forgot you have an appointment! Right now! Feel free to get creative based on what you want him to know about you. If you want to show how responsible you are, tell him it’s a doctor’s appointment. If you wanna spark his sexual interest, just tell him it’s a Brazilian wax appointment. Either way, it’s 10:14 on a Friday night and this is your appointment time! You have to go!!!! Sorry let’s do this again sometimmme <3.
6. Develop an Allergy
Not every allergy has to be bad. Use this fun excuse to your sexy advantage. Example: “Oh my gosh, there is wheat in this pasta!? That makes my tits swell to the size of watermelons! Anyway, got to go get my Epi pen and take off my bra… alone and immediately. BYEEEEEE!”
7. Just Run
Guys love mystery. They’re into fucked up power plays that show them that they’re going to have to do some chasing. Spark your dates’ curiosity with a hot, quick escape. He’ll wonder where you’ve gone, and you’ll just have to wonder how the fuck you’re getting home.
Whatever you choose, he’ll be wishing he had more of you, and you’ll be wishing you had way, way less alcohol.